My Life Crisis

If you know me well, or really at all, you know that I am a person that likes to feel in control. I am not controlling of others, but I like to have control of my life. I like to plan. I like organization. I like to know what is happening, when it is happening, and why it is happening. I think having that kind of personality is good and bad. Good because I get sh*t done. Bad because having that kind of mind causes lots of anxiety and unnecessary stress throughout my life. I've been having some sort of life crisis and I think a lot of it is based around the fact that I don't feel in control of my life right now. This has been a hard season these last few months. I'm not quite sure who I am outside of the roles that I fill as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've been trying to learn more about myself and haven't been sure if I've liked that person. I look to others a lot for validation and if I don't get that, I start questioning who I am.

So as someone who enjoys control, I planned to make this year the year that I travel. The year that I do things. The year that I experience life. I thought maybe this would help me to figure myself out. I decided that the first thing I was going to do was visit Nashville. I started googling "things to do in Nashville" and asked everyone that had visited what I should do. I started trying to make plans with friends for my weekend. And you know what happened? I got stressed out. Nothing was really coming together. I wasn't quite sure who I was spending time with or what I was going to do. I had no control over this Nashville trip and it was killing me a little. Then I started thinking about some of my free-spirited friends and some of the adventures they have because of their laid back personalities. I decided I was gonna try that. Let go for once in my life and see how it felt. 

My first night there was so much fun. I went out with my cousin and friend and we just wandered around downtown. When the bartender asked for my drink order, I let him surprise me. It was tequila with other stuff in it. So then everywhere else we went, we had the bartender make us "tequila with whatever else in it." It was fun. There was no timeline, no reservations, no stress. We hopped from honky tonk to honky tonk and I kept the creepy men away simply by dancing. (My dancing really is a sight to behold.) It was a perfect evening downtown. Then when we were finished, I took my first Uber back to my cousin's house. Not gonna lie, the idea of Uber kinda freaks me out a bit. Strange men driving single ladies around... kinda sketchy in my mind. But he picked me up, and for whatever reason (#tequila), I started telling him all about myself. We talked about life for the 30 minutes I was in his car then as we were pulling up to the house he said, "I will leave you with this: You don't have to have it all figured out. Just breathe and enjoy each moment." What a weird and lovely experience with a stranger.

Tequila-somethings 

Typical tourist picture

Making friends on the street

Loved my time with this lady!

I had plans with a friend on my second morning in Nashville but she wasn't feeling well, so I was left on my own. I started to freak out a little at the idea of hanging out in Nashville alone, but I made myself get out and do it. I started out at Biscuit Love, and after waiting for a pretty long wait outside, I was seated at the bar. I sat next to a couple around my age on my right, and a group of younger girls on my left. The waiter asked for my order and I told him to surprise me, to go along with my "freeing" experience. He did not disappoint with his selection for me. Homemade biscuit... country ham... sausage gravy. Perfection. Both groups around me started talking to me as the morning went on, and one group shared their donuts with me. It was nice and fun, once again, connecting with strangers.

After that I decided to go to the Ryman. I went on the guided tour and listened to the stories about some of the musicians that had played there. We walked into the auditorium and I sat down alone for a long time. I feel dumb even admitting this, but I got a little teary eyed as I sat there. I realized in that moment that I was genuinely enjoying my time alone. I liked my own company. I liked my own thoughts. I liked being who I was in that moment. Once I finished up there, I decided it was coffee time and found my way to a local coffee shop around the corner. I had the barista surprise me, and again, was not disappointed. (I wonder if all these people hate that I didn't make decisions? Eh.)

The Ryman 

I texted my roommate from college and asked if she wanted to be my Nashville tour guide for the rest of the day. We had not seen each other in almost 10 years, but it was like it hadn't been a week. We didn't have any stops planned, but instead just drove around and went to whatever sounded fun. We were spontaneous. We drove to some great views of the city, ate lunch, had cocktails, shopped, walked around aimlessly, and toured a plantation. We made friends. We danced in the street. We laughed. We talked about our current lives and reminisced about college days (dear lord, the things I had forgotten). It was the perfect day.

Love Circle. There was a plethora of condoms and beer bottles up here. 

Tourists! And dang, I've got style. 

Carnton Plantation

Dancing in the street! They wouldn't let us play their instruments. I tried. 

 Shopping!

 Nashville eats!

As I drove home today, I had a lot of time (9 hours, to be exact) to think about my experience. Letting go of my crazy type-A personality for the weekend was so good for my mind and spirit. I learned that I don't need to have everything figured out. I don't need labels for myself or to know exactly who I am. I'm a book with, God willing, many more chapters left to be written. I'm just gonna breathe and enjoy each season of my life, knowing that they are ever changing. 

PS - I've decided that there is a song for anything you're going through in your life. My iPod set to shuffle was pretty awesome for me this weekend. (And yes, the lyrics below are from "Moana" ... I am not embarrassed by this.) 😉

"Sometimes the world seems against you

The journey may leave a scar

But scars can heal and reveal just

Where you are

The people you love will change you

The things you have learned will guide you

And nothing on earth can silence

The quiet voice still inside you

And when that voice starts to whisper

...You've come so far

...listen

Do you know who you are?"