Trapped

I can't pinpoint when it happened, why it happened, or even what exactly happened, but I can tell you that the last two years have been the most emotionally trying years of my life. For two years I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and intense feelings of being lost. I've tried different techniques to snap out of whatever is bringing me down from talking with a counselor, prayer, exercise, meditation, music, setting goals, etc. Some of these things would help for a while, but then the negative emotions would come screaming back and remind me that I'm not okay. Since one of the ways I help deal with my negative feelings is through goal-setting, I decided that my goal for this year was to do things. I am a very routine person; I enjoy the comfort of schedules and knowing what's to come. But I became very aware at the end of last year that I really wasn't out there having new experiences. Sure, we have moved a few times over the last 10 years, but even then... I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay home because home is comfortable and easy.  I thought to myself that maybe this goal would be a way to fill whatever void I am feeling in my life. Or maybe I'd be lucky enough to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I did decide to make an effort to learn something from each new thing and really reflect on my adventures. So began my mission to Do Things in 2017.

Thing 1 - Nashville, TN.  January 2017

I learned that not everything needs to be planned. Sometimes the best adventures are the ones that just lead you to wherever. 

Thing 2 - Emerald Isle, NC. February 2017

I learned that it's okay to let others see the real you. The vulnerable. The crazy. The super weird you. 

Thing 3 - Dressing up as a chicken, dancing on the street with the Chick-fil-a cow. February 2017

Not all things need a reason and not all things have to make sense. If it brings a smile to your face, that's reason enough. And if you're lucky, maybe it'll make someone else smile, too.

Thing 4 - Charlotte, NC. March 2017

If you want something, don't be afraid to ask for it. If you don't do something because you're afraid it'll inconvenience someone else, you're seriously gonna miss out on some amazing opportunities. 

Thing 5 - Dressing up as a Paw Patrol character. April 2017

Everyone should experience joy as children do. Something truly magical happens when you let down your walls and worries about what others will think.

Thing 6 - Savannah, GA. April 2017

I learned that I'm the most at peace when I'm surrounded by the beauty and serenity of nature. 

Also, some pain and sorrow in life may never be explained, but somewhere, someday, it may lead to something beautiful. 

I'm going to stop right here for a minute because I figured out what I was missing in my life around this time. Know what it was? FREEDOM. I realized that the things that made me feel the most alive, the people I'm drawn to the most, the things that make me happiest all revolve around the feeling of being free. Freedom knowing that others accepted me as I am, freedom knowing I can let loose and have fun, freedom from the day-to-day...from schedules...from life. As I was talking to my friends about this, I suddenly felt a rush of guilt come over me because I realized that I was only happy when I was doing these things...these adventures. How could I be happy in my normal, in my ordinary, in my every day? (Continuing on...)

Thing 7 - Kings of Leon (1st concert). May 2017

I learned that some memories cannot be captured by pictures or videos. Sometimes you have to close your eyes, focus on the way you feel right there... with the vibrations going through your chest and the wind in your hair. 

Thing 8 - Treehouse Adventure, Asheville, NC. May 2017

I learned that sometimes, home is exactly where your heart wants to be.

I have to stop again and explain what happened on this trip. This solo trip to Asheville was literally the first time I've ever done anything alone. I mean, I stay home and clean, go to the store, etc... but this was the first time I was really and truly on my own. I've never lived alone. I've never vacationed alone. I was a wreck over this trip. I didn't want to go, but I knew I had to do it. It was going to be an adventure, after all. And maybe I'd learn something? When I was alone in the treehouse, all I wanted was to be at home with my family. I wanted to be putting my kids to bed... my hands over their chests as they fell asleep (and not just cause of the mice!)

I started crying when I realized that I wanted to be back in my ordinary, my every day, my normal. I also realized in that moment what is so wrong with me. The reason I'm happy in my freedom is not because I'm free from my family... it's because I'm free from the crazy pressure I put on myself. I am a major perfectionist. It's my need to be perfect that has caused the depression, the anxiety, and all the negative feelings I have towards myself. Having kids is not good for a perfectionist's mind because it shows us just how completely and utterly imperfect we actually are. At some point every day, I feel like I'm failing at all the things... a mom, being at the top of the list. But no matter how many temper tantrums I throw, how many dinners I ruin, or how many mistakes I make over and over again, my children will grab my face and say things like, "You are so special to me" or "You are the best mom in the entire city." (She used to say world, but I'm not too offended by the downgrade.) You see, the most important thing I learned is that I will never, ever be perfect and that is okay. The things and people that really matter won't care that I can't do it all. At the end of the day, we are all just doing the best we can with what we are given. 

And one more lesson, because, ya know...

Thing 9 - Asheville, NC. May 2017

I learned that it's okay to let things go. 

The whole reason I went to Asheville was to run the Biltmore 15k. This has been on my bucket list for two years now. When my alarm went off at 5:30 am to get ready for the race, I looked outside and saw a downpour. I checked the weather and it said 100% chance of rain and flash flood for the entirety of the race. I laid there and debated with myself on if I should go or not. I've finished lots of races in the rain, and I never enjoy it. After lots of thought, I decided to go back to sleep. I woke up 3 hours later and felt immense guilt come over me for not running. THIS WAS ON YOUR BUCKET LIST! I said to myself. I got in my car, feeling terrible about my life choice, and pressed shuffle on my iPod. Then, Kings of Leon came on with...

Take the time to waste a moment.

Never ask to be forgiven. 

I may have laughed hysterically over the irony, but then I thought... FREEDOM TO SLEEP IN AS LONG AS I WANTED. Then I was alright. 

I know I have a long, long way to go. But I feel so relieved to know what is holding me back from feeling free. So for now, I will breathe in, breathe out, and say what I can do is enough. Who I am is enough. Let it be enough.